just might save your life.
these days during my downtime, i usually do 3 things: nothing, play nba2k, or watch steven furtick videos. yup. that’s right… i watch his sermons on video via the elevation church website.
last year around february, one of my friends on facebook posted some bullet points from a sermon at her church in SC. i liked what the bullet points said, so i found that church online. steven furtick was doing a sermon about digging ditches (2 kings ch. 3). after listening to this sermon, his lesson on this story piqued my interest. so, i started googling away. i stumbled upon the elevation site and spent hours there just watching him preach to my life and jotting down notes after notes. in a way, you can say that watching that one sermon of his introduced me to the man who sparked my faith again… because it was down.
back to the reason i began writing this post though.
anyhow, last night i was watching his sermon, count on it. it was his new year’s message to usher in 2014. i thought it’d be the typical message you hear on NYE. boy, oh boy, was i wrong! and thankfully so. it was basically about counting on God to be in the midst of everything. good and bad.
what hit me the most was this verse.
19 Is the seed yet in the barn? Indeed, the vine, the fig tree, the pomegranate, and the olive tree have yielded nothing. But from this day on I will bless you.” haggai 2:19 (esv)
and when i say hit, i mean hit. you know how you’ll pray for something and not get it? then, you think that God’s not listening to you? well, that was me. sometimes it still is me. after not working for a year, i finally am employed. well, a few days ago, i was a bit saddened because i’d went on an interview at a place that i’ve wanted to work for/at… and they kindly rejected me. i thought i’d done well enough. and here’s where things get good…
when i got the job i told God that i wouldn’t complain. and 3 months in? i haven’t much, but i had been lately. i’ve also been praying that God puts me in the right mindset and give me the right attitude to endure everyday. i don’t hate the job i’m at, i just desire more… but in order for me to have more, i have to do what is right with my “little” first.
this job is humbling and demanding. it requires me to give my best and not half-step in the process. it allows me to grow. and be it here or elsewhere, i want to move up. i never want to get complacent in the entry position that i have. i do, however, want to learn this position well enough to earn my way to where i want to be. and i have to crawl before i walk. i have to not be so prideful and simply work hard. and then all the seeds will come to harvest.
and that’s why that verse was on time. i’m already blessed. i’m already in line to get what i have been and am praying about. i just have to be diligent from the inside out.
i’ve figured out why i couldn’t write for the longest. it wasn’t writer’s block. it wasn’t that i was unmoved & not motivated. it wasn’t because i didn’t have anything to write about. it was simply because i wanted my writing to be perfect, without flaw. but i had to realize that writing isn’t perfect. it’s full of misspelled words. wrongly used metaphors. grammatical errors. too long sentences. and everything else in between.
basically writing is a reflection of the writer. but throughout all of those flaws, there’s a beauty in the writing. especially when it’s honest. i don’t know why it took me so long to come to this realization. i guess it’s the journey. a necessary, painful one… but nevertheless, it’s my journey. and that’s all i could ever ask for.
all of last year was trying for me. it was a growing year though. i grew in all ways one could want to.
but most importantly, i grew from the inside out. i became a woman. i mean, more of a woman. i still won’t say that i’m grown… i’m a growing being. and essentially, in hindsight of course, that’s all last year was for me. it allowed me to find out that it’s okay to not have everything together.
just like my writing.
it’s okay if the thought process at that moment is incomplete. it’s okay if it doesn’t “go together”. it’s okay if it doesn’t sound right. it’s okay if it makes no sense at all. it’s okay if i re-read it and think “what the hell was i thinking?”. it’s okay if it’s not prolific. it’s okay if no one ever reads it. i write for myself first. honestly, i understand now more than ever why writing, for me, is a necessity.
it helps me to breathe easier and better. and that’s why i can’t be so caught up on whether it is right or not. my best moments in life have been moments off the cuff. impromptu. unedited. unplanned. just like now. this just feels good.
there’s a lot in my head. so, instead of holding them back and letting the haunt me during the day, in my sleep… i’ll just get it out. if it’s short? who cares? there’s nothing in the manual of writing that says that it has to be so many words before one can share.
it’s on my mind. it’s on my heart. the voices in my head will win all the time. the battle of writer’s block is bullshit. writers write. and that’s the bottom line. not for everyone else… but for self first.
and that’s just the way it is.