message to me.
message to me.
i’m into chasing my dreams now.
at the expense of sleep.
at the expense of sanity.
at the expense of the unknown.
at the expense of everything i know.
because i’m too close to 30 to be regretting a lot of shit… especially not believing in myself and bend driven by the fear of falling on my face.
I got a four, what did you get?
2- Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual.
oh look at that
it gave me a 3 must be cuz i’m queer
I got an F……
I got a 6.
"equally heterosexual and homosexual"
"predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual."
… exclusively homosexual.
well, in other news… water is wet.
Things I Should Be Doing
- so many
Things I Am Not Currently Doing
- any of that
So, Michael Sam got drafted by the St. Louis Rams, and everyone has an opinion about it—even people who don’t care about sports. There are a bunch of Facebook and Twitter statuses that prove two things: There are a lot of people who fail to realize that everyone doesn’t subscribe to their faith. And, people automatically correlate their faith with morals. If a person’s religion is the only reason they have morals, there is a lack somewhere in their life, but they should figure that out sooner or later.
I’m sure there are a lot of open Christian athletes that were drafted into the NFL these past few days. There have always been openly Christian athletes and plenty of them to look up to, but kids who don’t subscribe to the Christian faith or who identify as gay need great role models too. It gives them hope that a million other kids see every day. The outrage deep down isn’t a gay athlete; it’s simply that it forces the ignorance to be louder than the conversations people have tried drowning by simply not talking about it.
That never works.
Growing up, I was one of those kids that didn’t have a role model I could identify with beyond being a girl and black. I mean, there were plenty of those. When I realized that my dislike of boys was more than just an adolescent thing, and discovered what it meant to be gay, I wanted (read needed) someone to look up to. My parents, albeit great people, weren’t the only role models I needed. No one in mainstream media looked like me and gave me something to not feel… different.
What was gay? Was I the only one? Was something wrong with me? There were only hetero-couples and people plastered everywhere. So, of course, in the back of my head, it just couldn’t be, but then something changed.
Fast forward to 1997. I was all of 10 years old and in the 5th grade. Ellen DeGeneres had just come out, and it was this big thing. Ellen. A celebrated woman in media came out and let everyone in the world know that she was gay, but she wasn’t accepted. So, for kids like me, if she came out and she wasn’t accepted by people that loved her before they knew she wasn’t hetero, then what was a kid learning who she was supposed to do?
Ellen’s coming out was something that needed to happen. It started conversations that people didn’t want to talk about. That was almost 20 years ago, and although the world has changed, it hasn’t changed much because the same conversation Ellen’s coming out started, didn’t finish it. People still don’t know how to talk about “gay.” People still don’t understand acceptance. People still tend to think that it’s an “agenda” trying to be forced upon them. Most importantly, the media doesn’t know how to not sensationalize gay.
Michael Sam being the 1st openly gay NFL draftee is big. It’s forcing conversations people have tried to ignore. It’s forcing people to reevaluate a lot of things. More importantly, it is giving kids who are learning who they are to understand that they aren’t alone. They can be who they are without sacrificing and explore those things that interest them. It is letting a kid who thinks that because he or she is this, he or she can’t be that.
Being gay is only a sum of the whole part of who people are. When the circus quiets down and the smoke clears, the same thing that’s made Ellen—once a again, a household name, widely accepted gay woman—will make Michael Sam, hopefully, the same in his profession. Not simply for being the first of his kind, but for simply being the first one to decide that suppressing one’s identity wasn’t an option to be accepted for another.
being an adult isn’t as nearly as fun as i thought it would be. everything costs me something even if that something consists of doing absolutely nothing. and when i was growing up, my parents and other elders would always tell me, “enjoy your youth while you can” or “don’t be in a rush to be grown”, but of course, as a teenager that knew everything, i ignored these warnings. but as a 26-year-old woman? i find myself apologizing to my parents at least 2 times a month for not taking heed to their words. even more, i find myself asking myself “… and this was what i was in a rush to get to?!”
this adult thing is nothing that i thought it was cracked up to be. i wasn’t ready. there’s no instruction manual. no perfect how-to video. no connect the dots. no do-overs. there’s nothing. and sometimes, i crack. i breakdown and think that it’s much too much for me to deal with, but then, the good word seeps its way into my memory and i manage to pick my chin up and remember that i’m still in this fight of life for a reason… even if i’m still finding my way.
i think i expected too much for myself by a certain age in my life. when most of it didn’t go my way? i think it derailed my ability to believe in myself. it was a hit to my pride to not have certain accomplishments by 25. it hurts a lot when you’re 4-years removed from college with a degree you haven’t had much success from after receiving it and you work in a call center as a customer service agent for a cable company. some days, i feel like i was in a rush to obtain the degree only because i was told for so long (grades k-12) that having that degree would actually set me a apart.
but in reality, i’m just another college grad with a degree. there are a sea of us these days. i think that should make me feel better, but it doesn’t. but i digress. going to college ties back into the adult thing in this manner: at 17/18, i wasn’t old enough to make the decision of what i wanted to grow up and do, let alone, choose a course of studies and commit 4-5 years to those studies. sure enough, it works for some, but in my case, although i really like writing, i don’t think my journalism degree was the right pursuit.
maybe i haven’t done enough? maybe i haven’t put out enough energy for the universe to give a damn. i don’t know, but i do know that i’ve got time to figure it out. i still have time to “grow up” and figure out “what i want to be in life” because whether i like it or not… the greatest lesson i’ve learned thus far about being an adult is this: having it “together” doesn’t exist…. yet and that my 20s are just the introduction to adulthood.
i’ve got a lot more growing up to do.
Scripture to Reflect
2 count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 and let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James1:2-4 ESV